I Need a Wife

No, I’m not dating. I already have a husband and he’s great. He does all the husbandly stuff and then some. He works hard, davens, learns, and scrapes ice off my windshield. He makes scrambled eggs, kills bugs, puts up the succah, and sometimes keeps my lipstick in his suit jacket at weddings if my dress doesn’t have pockets.

But what I really need is a wife.

You’re probably thinking, she means she needs an assistant, a secretary, an organizer. But I know what I’m saying. I don’t need a little help, I need a lot of help — and for that you need a wife.

I’m not asking for much. I just need someone to worry about me and support me and encourage me. I need someone to replace the cap on the toothpaste and remind me that I have to get a flu shot and then nag at me until I actually do it. I need someone who’ll cook my favorite foods, except when I’m dieting and then they’ll cook steamed broccoli garnished to look like my favorite foods. I need someone to tell me I look great in whatever I’m wearing and that I don’t look fat, I look lovable.