I wanted to create the perfect image, but inside there was just a black void.
Ever since I was a kid I was different. I had a unique nature all my own and I fought myself and the whole world. And I was winning — or losing depending how you look at it. But I turned it around. I’m not just a straightened-out version of the old Avi. I’m a new person — physically emotionally and spiritually. I made it and I’m still climbing. This is my journey.
I
t sounds crazy but it started when I was really young. Much younger than my parents realized. I was a model child always on my best behavior. I was a real people pleaser because the most important thing in my life was to make sure that everyone thought I was perfect. And I was smart and helpful and did everything anyone asked of me without complaint so I earned that recognition I craved. I hated learning but I always performed well because I loved the attention I got for it. I would lie about how much I chazered in order to earn prizes. I was technically frum but was totally disconnected from Hashem. I went through the motions but I was angry at G-d.
I was only in third grade when I started stealing money from my parents to buy stuff I wanted. At first it was nosh but as I got older it was other stuff. I rationalized that it was okay to steal because my parents never gave me spending money. Of course I never asked them for any because that would ruin the picture-perfect image I was trying to portray.
I wanted excitement first exciting stuff then exciting experiences. I always wanted the next thing something new. I had no spiritual connection and davening Shabbos learning mitzvos Yamim Tovim were meaningless to me. I hated the lifestyle my parents lived. Sure they explained things to me if I asked but I didn’t care about answers I just wanted to have fun. Besides asking questions would have changed their picture-perfect perception of me — that image I worked so hard to create and maintain.
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