Only to a person who has already left This World, to whom we are bidding a final farewell, we say ‘lech b’shalom,’ go with the perfection that you already attained
I’m wondering, practically speaking, how a wife can encourage her husband to learn more without being a nag or condescending. My husband works all day and has an early morning chavrusa. Then at night when he comes home from work, after eating dinner, he has about two hours before going to sleep. He splits that time by learning with a chavrusa for 25 minutes and davening, and then the rest of the time is up to him. He usually works, e-mails, reads news articles, or watches silly videos on frum sites, or talks on the phone.
How can I encourage him to use more of his time for Torah learning? This is very important to me. I know it’s important to him too because I hear him telling other people how he wishes he had more time to learn, etc. But then when I see him “batteling” I wonder why he doesn’t just learn instead. Are my expectations too high? Should I leave well enough alone and just daven harder? Or can I help him maximize his potential?
Rabbi Zev Leff
Not knowing the details necessary to truly give you advice, I will suffice with giving you some general rules to apply to your specific situation.
- A person should always have short-range and long-range goals in spiritual matters and never be satisfied with the status quo. Human being are mehalchim, walkers, as opposed to angels or animals who stand on one consistent level. That is why we part from a living person with “lech l’shalom,” go toward perfection. One never reaches perfection, but is always striving toward more and more. Only to a person who has already left This World, to whom we are bidding a final farewell, we say “lech b’shalom,” go with the perfection that you already attained.
- At the same time, one must know his situation and what is realistic to demand of himself at any particularly juncture. If a person tries to push himself too much, he may cause himself more harm than good. This, says the Chofetz Chaim, is the satan “behind us,” sometimes pushing us to achieve that which is currently impossible for us to undertake.
- Although one must not be satisfied with one’s spiritual status quo, one must also be happy with one’s present accomplishments, as the Vilna Gaon explains in the verse in Mishlei, “The heart of the wise one is to the right, and the heart of the fool is to the left.” What one has already learned in a Hebrew sefer is to his right, and that which he has yet to learn is to his left. A fool only concentrates on what he has yet to learn and gives up in frustration, whereas the wise person strives to learn more, but gains strength and encouragement by recognizing what he has already accomplished.
- As an ezer k’negdo, you should strive to encourage your husband to improve his learning and other spiritual quests. Yet, you should not demand or expect of him that which he is not presently capable of doing. Show him that you appreciate and value the learning he does do and the effort he expends to keep up set learning times despite his busy work schedule. If you act as a wise wife, I’m sure you will find the proper balance between urging your husband to improve while appreciating him at his present level.
With all of this, daven that you be successful in striking this balance and I’m sure you and your family will consistently rise to greater and greater levels of spiritual accomplishments.
