Eight years ago, my family was going through a terribly dark time. The details aren’t relevant, but I’ll just say it was the first time in my life I felt deeply disconnected from Hashem. I felt that Hashem was no longer proud of me, was rejecting my service, was turning His back on me. The best word to describe it was loneliness. Bone-chilling loneliness.
The great irony of this era is that I was in the middle of writing my first book, Conversations with G-d, (Mosaica Press) a book intended to help people connect to Hashem through tefillah. I felt like a fraud. How I could inspire others in tefillah when I myself could barely manage to stand before G-d in prayer?
And why would He want to hear from me? What could I even say to Him? I’m sorry for what I didn’t know I did. I don’t know why You don’t love me anymore. I don’t even know what to say to You. Please let me not feel lonely anymore, I can’t take it. Who am I without You?
That’s what I said. It was all I could say. I talked about how I couldn’t talk. I cried because I couldn’t cry. This disconnection lasted around two years.
Create a free account to keep reading.
