Vered’s Story: Chapter 13

During my high school years, I found myself beginning a gradual process of reassessment. Everywhere I turned, everyone was trying to fit in. It bothered me. Did it really matter? Did it really make a difference? The changes were slow, but I started wearing less black and more color. My clothing was still tzniyusdig and refined, but I didn’t feel like wearing only black anymore. I also grew out my hair, which I’d cut into side-bangs in order to fit in. Eventually I even stopped ironing my hair. Hashem made me with curly hair, and I liked it! Straightening my hair took so much time. It was ruining my hair, and I didn’t even love how I looked. I relaxed and became more comfortable with myself, happy to be my own person without constantly looking over my shoulder, worrying what people were going to think or say about me.

Then I started exploring the fact that I felt so pressured about what others would think when they discovered I was a convert. I knew that the teacher who had initially given me a more negative viewpoint had seriously impacted the way I saw myself, and the way I thought about others seeing me. But I began to realize that I could choose to change how I thought about that as well. My relationships with my friends changed for the better. They became less stressful.

I was blessed to have a very good friend in high school who also felt that it was important to be yourself, and she was very supportive of me. My family was also supportive. I’d spent the last few years stressing about what will they think about me. It was so liberating to get to the point of realizing how silly it all was.

In addition, the more time I spent in frum communities, among frum Jews, the more I realized there were even more groups and sub-groups than I’d ever imagined. There were endless distinctions and politics between groups.  The more I saw, the more it felt like we were moving away from the Torah I’d been taught. I felt that trying to fit into these boxes didn’t make me either better or worse in Hashem’s eyes. This was huge for me, and I realized that this wasn’t something I wanted to busy myself with.