Quick Q/ Issue 881

How Is it Done?

I’m terrible at small talk. Or rather, I don’t care to be good at it. I want to talk about the important things, now, even though I just met you. And the question I’ve been asking most new people I meet these days — or rather for at least the last two years or so is, “Do you have a rav or rebbetzin?”

Underwhelming would be too generous to describe the response. Our-Society-Will-Fail-If-We-Continue-Like-This is more accurate. But don’t worry. I ask a follow-up question: Is there anyone in your sphere who you’d be interested in talking to, who is capable of the job, who you trust has their head on straight? Those responses are often in the affirmative, which sounds great, until you pay closer attention.

Often they say it would be someone they heard give a small shiur at a shul event, or their shul rebbetzin, or their daughter’s principal — so far so good, right?

Wrong.

For two reasons:

1. A) Do these potential mentors have the time to listen to and guide other women? Really, who has endless time for unpaid labor (there’s a place for therapy and coaches — this is not it.)
2. B) (This one is huge and I’ve never heard anyone acknowledge the obviousness of it) How do you actually cultivate this relationship?

What does the conversation sound like? “Hi, wanna be my rebbetzin?”