When we’re very upset fight-or-flight chemistry fills every cell of our bodies with the imperative to survive. In those moments we’re geared to fight to the death or run for our lives; it isn’t the time to solve a complex math problem or decide which shade of purple best matches our new sweater. In fact we can barely think — which is why so many things can go wrong in heated conversations.
A Brain Gone Wrong
The truth is that our brains tend to “overdo” our protection system. After all being very upset generally need not trigger an all-out battle cry inside our bodies. We can save the adrenalin rush for times of true emergency. Why bring out the big guns when we’re simply upset because something went wrong at the store or a loved one wasn’t particularly loving or a child was being a child?
Unfortunately we can become highly reactive even when experiencing minor frustration. Our inability to open a can of tomatoes when we’re madly rushing against a deadline (getting to work for example) can unleash a torrent of rage-filled emotion accompanied by a complete fit. Is this really such an emergency that we require the full force of our fight-or-flight system? Hardly. Yet our heart-brain doesn’t bother to distinguish minor threats from major ones: A threat is a threat and the system designed to address a threat has a simple on/off switch rather than a titrated dosing capacity.
The Emergency Response
One of the ubiquitous threats that triggers the emergency response is the feeling of being diminished. When someone makes a remark that detracts from our sense of self it feels as if our very existence is threatened. All of our chemistry immediately organizes to squelch that seemingly life-threatening threat. We speak fast and loud just as we would do when fleeing from a fire. We roar and pound and lash out verbally hoping to quickly subdue “the enemy.”
