Say “Thank You!”

We all love to feel appreciated. In fact many serious marital problems occur because spouses do not feel sufficiently appreciated by each other. An unappreciated husband or wife feels invisible unimportant even uncared for. Most people know how to say “thank you” — they just don’t do it. What goes wrong?

Teaching Methods

Parents can teach small children to say “thank you” but cannot necessarily teach them to feel “thank you.” Mommy serves a dish of ice cream to little Yossi. Yossi lifts his spoon ready to dive right in but Mommy remembers to teach him proper manners. “What did you forget to say Yossi?” she asks. “Thank you” he utters quickly with the spoon already halfway into his mouth. “You’re welcome ” she replies.

Similar scenes are repeated throughout the days and years until finally young Yossi becomes a chassan. His lessons served him well: he shows his kallah his excellent manners right up until the last day of sheva brachos! But now he is a married man. His wife is “supposed” to wash his clothes for him make his meals manage his house and help him in a million other ways. When she fails to perform up to his expectations he makes his displeasure clear. When she does fulfill her tasks he says nothing. After all he reasons it is her job. No one thanks him for doing what he is supposed to be doing. Why should he behave any differently?

For her part Yossi’s kallah Etti is pretty much the same. Her pleasant manners are now reserved for her friends colleagues and extended family members. She finds herself irritated with Yossi — mostly because he’s so critical. She no longer tries so hard to please him and she doesn’t feel that she needs to be positive with him because after all he’s so negative with her. And around and around it goes.