Whose Simchah?

Over the last two weeks, the magazine has hosted a spirited discussion about the “price of belonging” — the resources we devote, willingly or unwillingly, to make sure we and our children fit in to our society’s unwritten Style Guide. This week, I decided to pass my mic to a veteran party planner in the Tristate area who has gained, by dint of her position, a very intimate view of the spending pressures that accompany our simchahs. Here is her take on where our weddings go wrong — and how they can get better.

AS

a party planner with decades of experience, I interact with many kinds of baalei simchah, spanning a range of financial brackets and spending habits. Some of my clients are very confident and self-assured. They know what they can and can’t afford, what kind of simchah they are comfortable making and what simchah is just not their style.

But I’ve also worked with many, many clients who feel pressured by to meet communal standards, and who are concerned “what will the other side think” and “what does the other side expect.” I get it: There is a certain sense of vulnerability when making a simchah; you’re on display and you want to host an event that’s perceived as appropriate and correct, welcoming and generous. That kind of pressure is normal and natural, to a certain degree.

What seems unusual and different is that lately, a lot of the pressure is coming from the kids.

There used to be a certain understanding among our young chassanim and kallahs: Parents would take the chassan’s and kallah’s preferences into account when it was possible and realistic, but the young couple were not the decision makers when it came to the details of the wedding.