Boruch and his wife Suri had been arguing over whom the mess belonged to. Suri claimed that Boruch was responsible for the pile of unopened bills and other mail that decorated the end of the dining room table. Boruch insisted that more than half the pile belonged to Suri and he was tired of her blaming him for everything. Suri said that she’d look through it and take her stuff out and she wanted Boruch to attend to whatever was left. Boruch leaned toward his wife pointing his finger firmly between her eyes and in a slow deliberate growling voice uttered “You better take care of it.” Suri called a marriage counselor.
What It Felt Like to Me
Suri had read all about abusive men and she (rightfully) wanted no part of a dysfunctional marital relationship. She didn’t know whether Boruch was abusive or not but what she did know is that she would not be talked to like that. And she wanted Boruch to know that too.
At their first counseling session the therapist asked Boruch to recall what he was feeling when he pointed his finger at his wife. Boruch found the question easy to answer: “An enormous amount of frustration! We’ve had these talks before and Suri says she’ll take care of things but then she doesn’t. I can’t tell you how maddening this is! I knew when she said she’d look through that pile of papers that this wasn’t going to be happening in my lifetime. All those previous times she ignored me came rising up inside and I just felt furious.”
Suri acknowledged that she did have a problem carrying through sometimes but she felt that this was no excuse for Boruch’s behavior. “You can still speak to me like a mentsch” she said. “You never once told me how much my behavior bothered you. If you had told me nicely I would have done something about it. ” The therapist asked Suri what she felt when Boruch had pointed the finger in her face. “I was scared!” Suri replied. “He had an awful look in his eyes and he sounded like he was going to kill me.”
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