Notes from the Writers’ Asylum

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 emo from the Medical Director of WA (Writers’ Asylum): Recent studies in psychoneurotic journals indicate that the pressures involved in writing a regular magazine column are burdensome. There are the omni-looming deadlines, the omniscient oversight committees, the omnicompetent editors, the not-to-be-offended omni-present advertisers, the not-to-be-exceeded strict word limits. With all these looming before him, the writer is nevertheless expected to produce, on a regular basis, columns that are incisive and powerful. It is no wonder that under such conditions many columnists crack under the strain, and have to be confined temporarily in a special WA, where they undergo counseling and psychodiagnostic treatment. As part of their therapeutic regimen, they are encouraged to write sample recovery columns on any subject — but without the pressures of deadlines and limits. As an exclusive service to our supporters, we present here one such therapeutic column from one of our recovering writer-patients.

Sample Column

Writing a regular column is a continuing adventure. Night and day, one is on the job, always searching for the right topic, the precise word.

But one thing has always puzzled me: Why is it that column ideas that seem so scintillating while I am tossing and turning in bed at 3 a.m. all seem to turn to straw at the first light of day?

Not only do those midnight columns of mine contain brilliant concepts; they are also masterfully structured, with striking beginnings, compelling middle sections, and pungent endings. I am proud to have created columns with such range and power. Filled with self-satisfaction, I turn over and sleep the sleep of the contented.