I once had a long conversation with a man in his late 60s in order to discover what his parents’ secret was. He and all of his siblings were exceptionally successful productive people and were leaders and advisors in their respective communities. I wanted to know what amazing system his parents used. He replied that they were“half blind.”
“They didn’t see every foolish thing we did but they made sure to see and acknowledge every drop of good.”
Do we need to notice every mistake our children make? Is it really a parental responsibility to comment on their flaws all the time? The mark of a good parent is not only in the words he uses it’s also in his ability at times to not use any words at all. No comments no faces no noises that show annoyance — just not seeing. Of course there are instances when we must see in order to protest disagree or point out when a certain behavior is unacceptable. The trick is in choosing when to speak up and when to ignore. When we criticize too much if our interactions with our child are mostly negative it is not only our relationship with him that we put at risk. Harsh criticisms erode self-confidence and foster a sense of self that can be expressed as “I can do no right I’m a bad person.”
In Pirkei Avos Chazal encourage each of us to be a disciple of Avraham Avinu and to train oneself to have an ayin tovah literally translated as a “good eye.” If I have good eyes I see the positive in others and I don’t let anger cloud my vision or allow disappointment to distort my perceptions of the child in front of me. To see his attributes his good qualities too even though he is difficult so difficult. And when a comment is necessary we must make it clear in the words we use in our tone of voice in our whole demeanor that we know that this wrong action of his does not define his totality. He is more than his inappropriate behavior so much more.
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