"Being single is hard enough. I don’t need to be single and blamed for it"
Thank you so much for your excellent Words Unspoken, written by a former older single, about how she wishes people wouldn’t judge her for being “picky.” I was once like that — frustrated when the singles I redt shidduchim to said no for reasons that I deemed immaterial or superficial, sure that the only reason they were still single was because of the ludicrous criteria they’d set for themselves.
Until I had a son in shidduchim. Now I’m the one being lambasted for his pickiness, being told that he’s the reason he’s still single. But I know my son: He’s not picky because he thinks he can “do better,” he’s picky because hurting a girl devastates him. After five-plus years in shidduchim, he knows himself — and he knows that certain qualities or realities won’t work for him. He’s in touch with himself and his needs, and so he doesn’t want to put a girl in a position where he knows he’ll likely hurt her when he says no.
It’s an awful feeling to get a no from a boy you want to date. But please know that he might just be saying no because he wants to spare you from the pain you’d feel if he said no after you date.
The Boy’s Mother
I’m an older single writing in response to the Words Unspoken about judging singles for being too picky, and wow, can I relate to it — the judgment we singles get from all ends, the pitying looks tinged with blame. “Marriage is about compromise,” said my wise friend, who’d married the first boy she met at 19. “If you can’t even compromise on the type of boy you want to meet, how will you be able to have a healthy marriage?” And don’t even get me started on the reaction of shadchanim, if I dare to say no to a boy they’ve redt me.
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