I so much related to the Words Unspoken written by the mother of a child who’d gone off the derech and who was upset that her daughter’s mentor was cutting her out of her life.
One of my children once confided in a friend of mine, and asked her to help arrange a therapist for her to talk to when she was going through a tough time. When I found out, I was so upset at my friend for not telling me about their conversation; she should have known that eventually it would be revealed. You can’t keep a secret like that from somebody.
Their actions were done in good faith, and not meant to hurt anybody’s feelings — my daughter later told me that she hadn’t wanted to burden me — and my friend vetted the therapist, who gave helpful advice. But despite all these positive things, for a parent to have someone else give advice to their child because the child no longer values the parents’ advice, is probably one of the most painful things a parent can go through. Not because it’s hard to let go — our children have lots of mentors — but because it’s so hurtful not to be a part of the conversation, and to not even be able to weigh in on what the therapist or the mentor is saying.
I think that there should be some sort of code of ethics for mentors. In circumstances where a child is struggling and the parents are healthy, they shouldn’t be left out of the loop. It’s only a recipe for disaster.
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