Many times each week parents come to my office wanting “to stop yelling at my children.” Such parents already know that yelling is damaging in every way — hurting the parent-child bond decreasing authority impacting negatively on chinuch and seriously harming the psychological wellbeing of the children. Yet despite this knowledge these parents cannot help themselves: the loud voice just seems to “happen.”
Parents can read books listen to lectures and take parenting courses that teach alternative strategies for discipline. Yet in the moment they might still shout at their kids. The problem is that yelling “works.” The “payoff” for yelling — the change in the child’s behavior — is what cements the neural pathway in the parent’s brain creating an actual addiction to yelling.
Behavioral Addiction
By definition addiction is a behavior that feels out of our control. People want to stop eating sugar or drinking caffeinated beverages but find that they “can’t.” Those addicted to unhealthy substances or activities would really like to turn over a new leaf but they find that they just “can’t.” Parents who want to stop yelling but “can’t ” are as addicted to that behavior as the smoker is to his.
Usually the addicted brain is reinforced by the chemistry of pleasure. Rage sends out a chemical response that the brain finds oddly satisfying and this is one of the factors that keeps the yelling going. Then there is the external payoff we discussed earlier — the child’s behavioral shift as he or she finally stops the offensive behavior.
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