As my husband and I embark on the “parshah” of shidduchim for our children, I am confused to find that what I had thought to be a good and stable marriage is actually rather flimsy. It is becoming evident that we have many deeply held differing beliefs. Apparently, we have gotten along all these years because both of us were reasonable enough to give in when something was important to the other. Now, however, we are faced with making vital decisions for our children, and things have become tense.
Rebbetzin Lea Feldman
From your brief description it’s unclear to me what issues you and your husband disagree on. However whatever those issues may be when it comes to your children’s shidduchim the focus should not be what I want or what he wants but what your child needs.
When dealing with shidduchim it’s crucial to put aside your differences — and even your own opinions — and work together to find your child a spouse who would be perfectly suited for him or her. You may disagree over whether young men should stay in long-term learning. But if this is what your daughter wants and it’s what will make her happy then you should look for a long-term learner. Conversely if you always hoped for a son-in-law in learning but your daughter doesn’t want to be the breadwinner seek a husband who will support her.
Specifically in this realm you don’t need to be in agreement over the issues that arise — you just need to be in agreement that you want the best thing for your child. It seems like the two of you have a great deal of wisdom and flexibility and this has allowed you to live together peacefully all these years. Now it’s time to use that wisdom to join forces and find your children spouses who will make them happy and fulfilled.
What do you do about your own marriage once you marry off your children? Just like you made it work all these years you can continue to do so. Just as you didn’t focus on your differences and did whatever you needed to do to make sure that your marriage flourished do that now — and then take it further. It’s never too late to build your marriage. Go for counseling; a therapist can help you see what the differences actually are and find ways to bridge those differences. This will need work time and money — but it is the most worthwhile of investments.
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