All Accounted for: The Conversation Continues

Please Don’t Assume

Chaya Gitson

I didn’t participate in the support poll, because it didn’t pertain to me: I didn’t receive any financial support. But when you’re in kollel, support is almost a given, and I want to touch on that.

I made the decision to support a husband in kollel even though I knew it would mean I’d need to work hard. With both parents in chinuch, I didn’t expect support. But I wanted the life of Torah, and I was willing to sacrifice to make it work.

So many people assumed I was supported, though — and felt that this gave them license to comment on my lifestyle. When I bought myself a new bag, my coworker commented about how comfortable it must be to receive support and be able to buy nice things. A friend asked me outright how my rent is paid: Do my parents write the check to the landlord or do they give it to me so I can pay rent from my own account? Even as my family grew and I began paying tuition, random acquaintances would speculate — to my face — about my tuition breaks and support and how the two of them together enabled me to treat my kids to pizza.

Looking back, I think the reason this so upset me is that for me, kollel was life, not a stop on the way. I made the conscious decision to travel this road, and the thoughtless comments from friends didn’t reflect that.