Border Patrol

One of my friends considers me one of her closest friends (we’ve known each other since preschool) but I feel our relationship is not healthy. She makes demands on me doesn’t give me space accuses me of disloyalty and often is not honest with me. My husband wants me to cool off the relationship but I find it very hard. First of all she gets very hurt when I don’t come through for her the way she expects and by nature I don’t like to upset people. Second we’re part of a larger group of friends and I am worried how this will affect the equilibrium in the entire group. Last (and most important) although this may seem strange I am simply afraid. I feel she will always hold it against me to the point of having a hakpadah on me. What should I do? Should I just continue being her friend because of ahavas chaveirim? Am I supposed to listen to my husband and break it off? What do I tell her and how should I go about it? 

Rabbi Ilan Feldman 

You feel like you have no viable options due to the lack of freedom and ease in this friendship. The truth however is that you do.

 When we’re confronted with challenges in relationships we often fall prey to the illusion that we have only two choices neither of which is acceptable. In this case: stay in a bad relationship and continue to be suffocated; or cut it off to avoid ongoing suffering but pay the consequences and risk upsetting the equilibrium in your group. There is a third option though and that will require you to reach into a different bag of tricks. Before we describe the third option it’s useful to realize an important rule about relationships.

 Relationship challenges are actually learning opportunities if we allow them to be. They are not problems to be ended or avoided; they offer the ability to reach new levels of relating to others. The lessons learned will benefit even the relationships that are already going well — with your husband or even with HaKadosh Baruch Hu.