Check Your Bias

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everal weeks ago, these pages hosted a panel aimed at helping parents — specifically mothers, since the feature appeared in Family First, and no self-respecting male ever reads Family First, right? — navigate the mesivta application process.

The article was both comprehensive and comprehensible, and one sensible and critical piece of advice reiterated by several panelists was that parents should choose the mesivta most suited to their child’s abilities. Their choice should not be influenced by factors like where their son’s siblings went, social status, or other non-essential considerations, but rather what fits this child’s need. This self-awareness may demand self-sacrifice and humility — but what don’t we do for our kids?

I would add something I once read from Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach (Shalmei Moed Pirkei Chinuch). He writes that although Chazal tell us “Hevei zanav l’arayos velo rosh leshualim — better be a tail to a pride of lions than the chief of the foxes,” that applies to adults only and not to children growing up. During one’s formative years, a child at the top of his class will generally grow much more since he feels like a success. Positive self-image produces positive growth.

When choosing a mesivta for your son, don’t send him to a “top” place in which he will hopefully keep up if he works hard enough. This isn’t a time for wishful thinking. If the bochur cannot keep up, or barely can, he’ll feel like a failure. For your son’s sake, swallow your pride and choose the relatively weaker place, where he will feel like a success.