Divided Family

Mazel tov — it’s a bar mitzvah, a wedding! How to make everyone more comfortable, and put joy back in the simchah when the guest of honor is a child of divorce

“M y parents got divorced when I was five and I was 23 when I got married” recalls Perri. “Even though 18 years had passed it was still a big source of tension to know that my parents would have to be together in the same room again for my wedding.

“My father was remarried which further complicated things. You have to dance with your mom and even though in general she might not be jealous of your stepmom this is a loaded moment for her. You can’t even focus on the simchah because you’re juggling so much — you need to dance with your mother and then you need to dance with your stepmother but you can’t dance too much with her because it will insult your mom.

“And then there are the grandparents and they hate the ex. You’re scared for your parents who will have to face those nasty comments again. There are the relatives on both sides who make comments about your parents too. And you feel guilty because you’re the one making them all come together again. At a certain point I felt like I don’t want to have a wedding I want to just elope.”

Partnering Again 

As many children of divorce share a shared simchah throws a divided family into a maelstrom of anger hurt pain and raw emotion… with the baal or baalas simchah smack in the middle of it.