Facing the Right Direction

The problems in our marriages are diverse and complex. But from my experience, the root cause of a lot of shalom bayis issues is that our traditional conception of the spousal relationship has been forgotten, or worse, is getting distorted. The relationship between husband and wife is best described as panim el panim, face to face. When two people stand facing each other, they don’t just see each other; they also both perceive how they face each other.

In other words, husband and wife both see each other engaged in and enjoying the relationship. And they both in turn show each other that they’re likewise engaged in the relationship, that they too are “facing” their partner.

This is the Torah’s view of marriage. Like everything in Torah, it’s much more profound than what we could conceive of on our own. We think the secret of marital harmony lies in love, communication, giving to each other. And in fact those things are all essential to the health of the relationship.

But the essence of the relationship is panim el panim. Husband and wife show one another how they enjoy the relationship and want it to grow. Each experiences the double satisfaction of receiving that message, and of seeing the other receiving it. That makes the relationship more fulfilling for both, and strengthens their motivation to invest in it.