“If your husband is digging his own grave, then you need to be an ‘eizer k’negdo’and take the shovel from his hand”
I read Penina Steinbruch’s article about dating coaches, and was shocked that there was no mention of what is, in my mind, the most important component of the discussion — the experience and expertise of the shadchan that the couple is using.
When my husband and I were dating, we used a renowned shadchan with many years of experience, who was also a rebbi of my husband. Throughout the dating process, my husband spoke to him countless times, receiving advice and hadrachah about how he was feeling, how it was going, the next steps to take, and so much more. The shadchan supported my husband without putting pressure on him and encouraged him to go at a pace that worked for him/us. My husband always felt that he had his/our best interests at heart. I don’t think he felt, at any point, that a dating coach was necessary or would be anything more than redundant. The shadchan was also available to speak to me and guide me, and his knowledge of my husband and understanding of where he was holding were invaluable.
In stark contrast, many others I know have used a friend of the family as their shadchan, or even worse, a friend of the dating couple, who just happened to think of the idea. These people were young, inexperienced, and lacked the knowledge and skills to guide the couple effectively through the dating process.
I honestly don’t know whether dating coaching is a necessity, a luxury, or unnecessary. But I think that many couples make the huge mistake of not investing in a quality shadchan, and that leads to many of the problems that convince us that dating coaches are vital.
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