Family First Inbox: Issue 957

Girls Don’t Have It Easier [Inbox / Issue 955]

I’m writing in response to the recent Inbox letter regarding girls in shidduchim having it easier than boys. The writer stated, “It’s much easier to be a good girl than to be a good boy. What does a girl have to do to be a top girl? All she has to do is want a learning boy.” As a 25-year-old girl in shidduchim who is often labeled a “top girl” by family, friends, and acquaintances, I can’t claim to fully know what being a “top boy” entails. However, I can offer a glimpse into the other side — what it really takes to be considered a “top girl.”

Being a top girl is about far more than simply wanting a learning boy. Yes, it’s true that I’m looking for someone who aspires to a life of Torah learning. But what often goes unseen is the inner work that it takes to be someone who is deserving of such a boy. Each day brings with it a renewed battle to uphold my values in a world that often seems to leave them far behind.

There are certain standards relating to technology use, tzniyus, and ruchniyus that I dream of bringing into my future home, b’ezras Hashem. It’s not easy to feel out of the loop due to the choices I’ve made regarding my technology use. It’s not easy to be seen as a “nerd” for passing on styles that don’t align with the level of tzniyus I’m striving for. It’s hard to get up and daven day after day, while watching my friends and family move forward, leaving me far behind. It’s hard to go to work, attend a shiur, and keep showing up with a smile after a difficult shidduch parshah or after months without a single date. And while it may not show on the outside, the struggle to hold on to bitachon in a world that often feels upside down is very real.

Each and every girl navigating this journey should be applauded for who she is and the standards she so courageously upholds, for as effortless as it may seem from the outside, behind the facade is a fight that most will never see.