“Michal Levi,you will forever in my eyes be the paradigm of kabeid es avicha v’es imecha”
Reading the article about a woman whose mother was unloving due to the state of her mental health, but still tried to have a relationship with her, was very strange to me, since it sounded very similar to my upbringing. My mom wasn’t mentally ill, but nevertheless found any opportunity to criticize, yell, and hit me. My father also had his own outbursts of anger. So growing up, I, too, had a big lack of self-esteem and confidence.
My narrative is a bit different. My mother lived next to me after I got married, which meant I saw her pretty often. I went for counseling with a rav who was also a therapist to understand my obligations in terms of kibbud av v’eim and boundary setting. I learned how to stand up for myself in a respectful way.
Once, after one of the sessions, I came home, and she happened to come over. The kids were in school, so I sat her down and explained my feelings to her and how, as a child, I’d perceived her. Something clicked, and for the first time in my life (I was over 40), she genuinely apologized and said she didn’t realize all that. That really helped me to see her in a different light, forgive her, and be more understanding of her lack of knowledge of better chinuch techniques because of the way she was raised.
I can’t say we became best friends overnight, it’s a work in progress, but I can say that now, when I praise myself for doing well (she still can’t really give compliments), she tells me she agrees and that she’s proud of me, and I really believe her.
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