Healing from Within: the Conversation Continues, Part 3

Whether you agreed or disagreed with Allison, there was so much to learn from the ensuing conversation. The final round of responses is below

Allison Josephs’s piece “Healing from Within,” which posited that children grow distant from Yiddishkeit due to a lack of secure parental attachment, drew sustained and impassioned feedback. Whether you agreed or disagreed with Allison, there was so much to learn from the ensuing conversation. The final round of responses is below

Because She Gives Them Solace //  E. W.

I was interested in reading Allison Josephs’ article on healing the hurt felt by OTD kids. I have tremendous respect for Allison and the good work she does. My comments are not intended to detract from her incredible success and life full of chesed.

I was looking forward to reading how we, as a society, could reach out to those who were raised in Orthodox homes and currently feel alienated from Orthodox Judaism. I was dismayed to see the presentation of anecdotal evidence to support a hypothesis regarding the reason why people stop practicing Orthodox Judaism. There are many reasons why children do not follow their parents’ paths or remain observant Jews. While I don’t doubt that some people leave Orthodoxy because of a mother’s (or father’s) emotional neglect, it would be unfair to those who feel religiously ambivalent or alienated and to their families to point to a single cause. It invalidates all those who identify other reasons behind their choices.

There are many reasons why people feel disenfranchised, those reasons we know about and probably some we have yet to discover. I know several young adults who are no longer frum and have always enjoyed and continue to enjoy very close relationships with their emotionally present and attentive families. Psychologists who have worked on cases with me have mentioned the incredible bond between some parents and their religiously uncommitted teens and young adults. Those teens were not, by any stretch of the imagination, victims of parental emotional neglect or weak attachment. Mothers have been described as their daughter’s best friend, rock, or anchor by their irreligious teens and adult children as well as by therapists of the teens.

I wonder whether Allison’s ability to exude warmth attracts those who may be craving emotional connection. Instead of assuming that all people leave Orthodoxy for the same reason, perhaps we should consider the possibility that people who have left Orthodoxy because of attachment issues or parental emotional neglect find solace when talking to Allison and her team.