I have heard many different concerns from young women about to be married. “I am afraid I’ll be bored.” “What if I throw up from cleaning a chicken?” “What if I can’t stand going to my in-laws for Yom Tov?”
While each apprehension has its place I often encounter an underlying anxiousness: “What if one day he doesn’t like me anymore?” It’s a fear that can be clothed in many different expressions and can persist deep into married life. Is there any way to combat this concern?
King Solomon gives us the key: “L’anavim yiten chein” (Mishlei 3:34) — to the humble one will be given charm grace that indefinable something we call chein. Anavah? Have you ever heard someone say “I’m looking for a real anav ” or “I am working on my humility to prepare myself for marriage”? It isn’t usually what comes to mind when we think about the qualities needed to create enduring relationship.
But maybe it should be.
Every Person my Teacher
Anavah starts as the perception that a person is incomplete on his or her own and therefore seeks to attach to that which will give a connection to shleimus to wholeness and further development. The anav realizes the value of learning from others out of the understanding that all people have some area of development in which they excel beyond his own. By recognizing that advantage in others and seeking to make a connection to the people he encounters he becomes more shaleim.
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