I Didn’t Mean It

It’s not enough to regret it afterwards. Don’t say it in the first place

People often say things in anger that they don’t mean. In fact this is one of the reasons that anger is such a dangerous and destructive emotion ‑ it erodes our normal boundaries our normal moral sense of right and wrong good and bad. Without reigns on our mouth all sorts of hurtful and damaging words can pour out ‑ words that we don’t really mean.

I Want Out

Marital pain is one of those excruciating experiences that can make a person feel at the end of his or her rope. “I can’t take this anymore. I want out!” are words that are surprisingly common in marriages that remain intact for a lifetime. In a fit of rage and desperation someone utters this sentiment and at the time truly feels it. However when the flow of adrenaline is halted and the brain resumes its normal functioning the same person often regrets what was said. “I’m sorry. I was just mad. You know I didn’t mean it ‑ I would never leave you. I love you!”

But what is the experience of the recipient of the hostile sentiment? Does the attacked spouse turn around and say “I know Sweetheart. You were just angry. I know you say things you don’t mean when you’re in that state. Don’t worry about it ‑ I didn’t take you seriously for a minute!” Certainly this is what the offending party would like to hear. And it is possible that the first time such words are uttered the response may actually be one of patient understanding and forgiveness.