Dear Mother of a hurt son,
I understand your son’s disappointment in the abrupt ending of a relationship with a girl whom he’d invested a lot in and clearly liked very much. She was, no doubt, a wonderful young woman — sensitive, resilient, mature, empathetic. I also understand your position on wanting your child to start out with a clean slate and not begin a relationship with a girl who’d suffered from depression. That is your prerogative and totally acceptable.
However, I take issue with your complaint: “What about my son, who was so hurt in the process?” Your son was not “hurt” by this girl or by her parents. As you will hear from any competent rav or posek, a girl or boy in shidduchim who struggles (or struggled) with a health condition that is under control and not currently affecting their daily functioning does not need to reveal this information to the other party until things are getting serious (depending on your circles, the number date will vary). In fact, most rabbanim will advise them not to say anything, even if they want to.
I know this because I myself have struggled with depression and anxiety. I was instructed by my rav (a very chashuve posek in my city) not to say anything until things got serious. I was uncomfortable with the idea of “pulling the wool over the boy’s eyes,” but my Rav explained to me that I wasn’t tricking anybody. The fact that I have some mild mental-health issues does not detract from the fact that I am a completely functional girl, who will im yirtzeh Hashem one day make a wonderful wife and mother. Unfortunately, due to ignorance and stigma, if I would reveal my struggles before going out, I would not get any dates.
The frum community has come a long way over the last decade in regards to mental-health stigma. However there seems to be a misconception that I’d like to clear up: Mild to moderate depression and anxiety are extremely common, very treatable, and pretty much not a big deal at all. They are not serious psychiatric conditions.
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