It looks so innocent — a large, calligraphy-enhanced envelope. But when you’re the one addressing them, you know just how difficult it is to find the balance between good intentions, social obligations, and financial reality.
“Riva it’s the biggest challenge of the simchah — all the emotions that go into making sure I don’t forget anybody — it’s crazy!” Batya Phillips* groans and over the phone lines I can hear her shudder. Batya’s making a bar mitzvah tomorrow night and my innocent question about guest lists has now triggered her trauma on the subject. In fact Batya says she’s spent the better part of the morning agonizing over those last few people she hadn’t invited wondering about the propriety of calling them up one day before the simchah with a casual “Uh sorry it’s a bit last-minute but I’m making a bar mitzvah tomorrow night …”
Invariably anyone to whom I mention this topic gives me an eye-roll or a sigh. “It’s like Kamtza and Bar Kamtza all over again!” says one. “The hardest thing I’ve ever done — so complicated such politics!” is the general consensus. Contemporary weddings look and feel much different than in generations past and perhaps for good reason. Today we have larger nuclear and extended families baruch Hashem wider social circles and often a substantial pool of business colleagues.
As our guest lists have grown so have our adaptive techniques. Simchas chassan v’kallah now an accepted convention at many weddings allows baalei simchah to rejoice with larger numbers of friends and associates without incurring the often exorbitant cost of a per-plate dinner. A bar mitzvah minus the fanfare and pomp has become de rigeur in many communities where the simchah is celebrated with a widely attended kiddush in shul on Shabbos and a smaller sit-down meal for close friends and family. As a society we are clearly acknowledging our financial limits which is both responsible and necessary. But the fact remains: every name crossed off the list entirely or relegated from the “A” list (invited to dinner) to the “B” list (invited to reception or kiddush only) is an agonizing judgment call. A real live person with real live feelings is waiting and watching behind that black-inked entry on the spreadsheet.
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