Lost in the Woods

My new friend would inspire me with her conviction to grow, which in turn awakened within me an enthusiasm for Yiddishkeit. I would share with her new discoveries I made in learning the depths of halachah and hashkafah and we would discuss how it would affect our lives. I loved gaining from and sharing with her.

We came to realize that not one letter, not even a kutzo shel yud [tip of the letter yud], is superfluous in the Written and Oral Torah. How every word of our chachamim is Torah m’Sinai and the seemingly small mitzvos must be kept as faithfully as those that appear more important to the unlearned.

We learned to understand that the simple turn of a dial on the stove on Shabbos tarnished the soul in a way we couldn’t comprehend. That every piece of nonkosher food or drink passing through our mouths into the digestive system tainted us from the insides. How a dress that was too short or too tight turned us from a holy vessel into an objectified body.

While my friend was guided in a clear path of teshuvah for someone who had never known better, my own struggle with my soul was gut-wrenching. After all, I had knowingly gone against the Torah. It took long hours of discussions with my rav and several consultations with gedolim for me to be convinced that the path to teshuvah was open to me as well. That I, too, would be accepted as a baalas teshuvah by Hashem.