My neighbors didn’t stop correcting their children. Should I say something to them?
Recently, a neighbor invited our family for Shabbos. While the food looked great, my appetite was absolutely ruined by the atmosphere. Both parents — people who are always respectful and smiling toward my husband and me whenever we meet — corrected and criticized their children nonstop. Every few minutes the husband would bark at his kids in a loud and irritated way, saying things like, “Chaim! Put that down right now!” as if his five-year-old was about to set the house on fire just because he was holding a fork in the air. Everything sounded like an emergency. Meanwhile, Mom’s conversation, quieter but no less menacing, consisted of nothing but criticisms or instructions. “Yael, don’t slouch like that when you’re eating. Yoni, use a napkin. Esti, you’re eating way too fast, slow down. Dov, why are you pushing your food around like that? Stop it!” It went on and on like that.
The children picked on each other in a similar style: “Dovi! Get your hand off my plate!” “Esti, you’re disgusting! You kicked me!” I don’t think anyone uttered a pleasant word to anyone else during the whole meal. The family is obviously in chaos and the parents don’t seem to know anything about healthy parenting techniques. I feel absolutely terrible for those children.
I’ve taken a lot of parenting classes and I feel like I can really help this mom. Would it be wrong for me to call her up and offer her some tips or recommend a good parenting book? Do you think that she would be resentful or grateful if I reached out?
IT sounds like you don’t know these people very well yet — it was your first time in their home. Therefore, you don’t know whether the mom is feeling overwhelmed, helpless, and desperate for good advice or whether she’s confident in her parenting approach. In fact, decades ago, most parents probably sounded something like this couple, since an authoritarian parenting style was more prevalent than it is now. Parents confidently confronted their kids, telling them what to do and reprimanding them as necessary. Today, many parents like yourself are far more sensitive to the emotional atmosphere in the home. They believe that gentle and positive parenting produces healthier outcomes.
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