Our spouses can trigger our childhood wounds. They can also help heal them.
One’s spouse is the product of two decades of child rearing and family dynamics. Adult reactivity provides clues as to what happened earlier. While one may wish to communicate with one’s spouse in this current moment it’s impossible. The past and present are both at work.
Indeed “Little Leah” is the one who hears “Big Leah’s” husband Yoni ask for a cup of tea. It is “Little Leah” who screams deep inside — Don’t let him push you around! When “Big Leah” snaps back sarcastically “Can’t you find the kitchen?”
“Little Yoni” feels the sting of shame. Under attack yet again he has a tantrum — most unbecoming in a man six feet tall. “Little Yoni” remembers fondly how his mother always brought his father tea. Big Yoni didn’t realize that he can’t ask his wife for the same service. Her rebuke triggers old feelings of being unfairly reprimanded for being “bad.” And so seemingly simple and straightforward marital communications get badly twisted somewhere between the “now” of the moment and the “then” of the past. Both husband and wife are left bruised and confused barely understanding themselves let alone each other.
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