My next-door neighbor’s son is in shidduchim. He must be quite a catch because I’ve been inundated with phone calls about the family. At times it’s a repulsive experience. People seem to think that looking into someone as a potential marriage partner gives them carte blanche to ask anything at all.
Let’s face it neighbors see a lot. So I do know the answers to many of the invasive and at times downright inappropriate questions people ask. But does that mean I’m meant to share them? Why do they need to know how much the mother spends on her jewelry what nusach the great-uncle on the father’s side davens and which of the siblings went to OT and for how long? Am I allowed to tell them “None of your business ” or is my job to just answer whatever ridiculous questions they throw my way?
Minding My Own Business
Dear Minding
Before I answer your question I feel compelled to note that I’ve often been impressed by the questions people did and didn’t ask when I myself fielded shidduch questions. The nature of a column such as this is to highlight the negative because that’s where the questions lie but it’s important to remember that for the most part we’re doing this with class grace and endless bitachon. When pettiness rears its ugly head therefore it is jarring and begs a response.
The irony of these distasteful questions is that as they reflect so poorly on those asking them we’re often left wondering if we should immediately call the friends or family being investigated and tell them to run the other way. We need to understand the motivation behind some of these intrusive questions so we can be dan l’kaf zechus and answer objectively without disdain and without unwittingly causing harm to the people we’re representing.
