Second Guessing Responses

Last Week:

Later that night, when I tell Avrumi he’s no longer needed to pick up the Feinbergs’ order, he looks surprised.

“Oh, Moish was just telling me how much he appreciates it,” he says. “I guess he didn’t know that his wife made new arrangements.”

I feel like the absolute smallest person in the world.

But when a favor’s not a favor but an expectation, when boundary lines are crossed so many times that you can barely see where they once were, are you really supposed to keep going?

Maybe that’s the level of true giving, where you get nothing — not even thanks — in return, but for me it just feels one level too hard.

Every Right

Shira Klein, Brooklyn NY

Mindy has every right to be annoyed at her neighbor, who is taking advantage of her and her “available husband.” We all have busy lives, whether we have two children or eight, and Chani Feinberg should never have assumed this favor of schlepping many heavy grocery boxes weekly was no big deal to someone else. Once a favor becomes an expectation — complete with specific instructions (leave the boxes on the porch, etc., etc.) — that’s crossing a major boundary line.

Reframe

Kaila Krausz

Here’s the thing with relationships. Contrary to what the people may believe, they’re never fifty-fifty. Sometimes one friend or neighbor is the initiator, the one who reaches out, the one who owns the emotional barometer of where you’re holding, while the other one is the giver, doer, mover and shaker.

The balance usually is disrupted by one side feeling as though their contributions are being taken for granted. And that’s where resentment starts… and every annoyance grates more and more until you explode.

Your husband is going to pick up your boxes anyway. He doesn’t seem to mind schlepping theirs every week. The issue is with you and Chani — her taking this favor for granted is making you more and more resentful, which then spills over into the annoyances of your kids seeing what’s in their boxes, your son’s grumbling about the schlepping, the sight of the boxes in your hallway.