Secure Attachment

A warm and nurturing environment is a must when it comes to physical and emotional health

Decades of research have shown that when a child experiences secure attachment to a caregiver or two (like his parents) he or she enjoys a host of psychological and physical benefits. Improved social relationships better mental health greater resilience better physical health higher academic achievement and pretty much every other measure of wellbeing results from secure attachment.
Similar benefits accrue from secure adult attachment. When a person forms a secure bond with a mate his or her nervous system “relaxes.” This improved state of neurobiology is what is responsible for all the gains experienced by a securely attached infant. For instance medical research shows that securely attached adults have higher rates of survival from life-threatening illnesses than do people who lack a secure marital attachment.
As Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel puts it “Every neuron thrives within the context of a nurturing environment.” The opposite state — one in which the nervous system is agitated or in a state of alarm — inhibits learning social interaction and physical wellbeing. Insecurely attached children and adults spend their resources on emotional survival rather than on the business of living.

Attachment Is a
Two-Way Street
As a parent and a spouse there are things you can do which either interfere with or facilitate healthy attachments in your family relationships. When you create the environment for secure attachment you benefit as much as your “attachee.”
One’s biology responds positively to all attachment behaviors and negatively to all anti-attachment behaviors. It’s as if we’re wired for mutuality and connection and anything that we do to weaken such bonds threatens our own health.

Anti-Attachment vs. Attachment Behaviors
Here are some anti-attachment behaviors we might accidentally engage in:
Emotional neglect or abandonment. Failure to acknowledge and accept feelings is a form of emotional abandonment. Physical absence too can be experienced as a withdrawal or disconnect while lack of interest sympathy or encouragement causes a breakdown in interpersonal bonds.
Chronic or intense anger. Anger frightens and destabilizes individuals of every age. In relationship it interferes with secure attachment.
Chronic or excessive criticism and complaining. Negative feedback alienates people making the relationship feel dangerous and unsupportive. The sense of chronic threat to emotional safety disrupts secure attachment.
Here are behaviors that foster secure attachment:
Attention and presence. Eye contact listening naming feelings acknowledging and being both emotionally and physically present in a relationship fosters secure attachment.
Respect and sensitivity. Creating emotional and physical safety by limiting the expression of anger creates the correct environment for secure attachment. Behaving in ways that show kindness lays the foundation for trust and closeness — the essence of secure attachment.
Praise and appreciation. Conveying warmth and appreciation is essential to the creation of a secure attachment. Words and actions that convey feelings of endearment acknowledgment and affirmation help to create an emotional “welcome mat.”