SHOULD WE RISK BUCKING SOCIETAL TRENDS?
How should we deal with social conventions that strike us as at best blown far out of proportion and at worst as ridiculous? (I am not referring chas v’shalom to conventions that have been part of the mesorah for generations or that rise to the level of minhag Yisrael.) What makes the issue so difficult is that even when we think that a particular custom is ridiculous many others do not. And the assumptions of the latter group are realities with which we must grapple: We do not live in isolation.
Let’s say for instance that my daughter has just become engaged. Now I may think that gold watches are inappropriate for a ben Torah. But what if in the chassan’s yeshivah they are considered the norm. If the first thing my chassan tells me is that he doesn’t need a new watch or that he would prefer a Shas instead my problems are solved. But what if he doesn’t?
Do I act according to my “principles” and provide a less flashy watch in order to convey something of the values of the family into which he is marrying or even as an implied compliment that he is at such a spiritual madreigah that he couldn’t possibly want an eye-catching watch? He may not understand the compliment and I run the risk of embarrassing the new chassan. Maybe he will even view a less expensive watch as a hint that I do not respect his learning or think he is a “catch.”
Some conventions have a basis; they are just carried to absurd extremes. Compatibility of family backgrounds is an important aspect of the research of any shidduch. Every family does things in different ways and as a consequence every young chassan and kallah approach one another as speakers of foreign tongues. The more we can diminish the difference in dialects the better. That is why chassidim overwhelmingly marry chassidim and why some Israeli-born children from English-speaking homes look for the same in shidduchim.
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