The 3 T’s: Teshuvah, Tefillah, Tzedakah

“I can’t forgive him” — and other questions for Elul

I know a vital part of teshuvah is azivas hacheit, but I also know that it’s unrealistic that I’ll never speak lashon hara again. I feel like a hypocrite.

There are many levels to the teshuvah process. Teshuvah gemurah is the highest level and one only achieves that when his teshuvah is so sincere and real that Hashem Himself would testify that he won’t repeat the sin. But the great chesed Hashem does with us every year, the chiddush of Yom Kippur, is that He allows us to come closer to Him and ask for forgiveness even though He recognizes that the process is likely only temporary. All He’s asking for is a sincere effort and genuine resolve to overcome the temptation to sin, and that process, along with the tremendous power of Yom Kippur, is sufficient for Him to accept our teshuvah, a teshuvah she’einah gemurah, despite its imperfection and incompleteness.

Unfortunately, this year, a neighbor and I had to go to beis din regarding a monetary matter. Beis din ruled in our favor, but I know my neighbor is still upset with us. I don’t know if I should ask her for forgiveness, as it’ll bring up the uncomfortable issue again. At the same time, I don’t want to go into the Yamim Noraim knowing someone doesn’t forgive me.

If you feel that you’ve in some way offended or hurt her, you should ask for forgiveness, even though you won your monetary case in beis din. While beis din resolves financial disputes, it’s still possible that you’ve done something hurtful on a personal level.

But if you’re certain that you did nothing wrong on a personal level, but you were forced to go to beis din because she damaged you and refused to settle or negotiate, then you don’t need to ask for forgiveness at all. On the contrary, she needs to ask for forgiveness from you. Some people mistakenly think suing in beis din to resolve disputes is something to avoid, often proudly proclaiming that they never have, nor will they ever, sue another Jew in beis din. Nothing could be further from the truth. The only real way to resolve disputes is to present the issue to beis din (or a mutually agreed upon arbitrator) and meticulously follow their ruling. An unresolved dispute will fester resentment and eventual hatred, which is forbidden min HaTorah according to all opinions.

Every Elul I feel overwhelmed because I know I’ve sinned in almost everything at least on some level. How do I do teshuvah for everything? What should I focus on?

You should focus on the fact that you’re not a “sinner” but have unfortunately temporarily succumbed to temptation against your better judgment. Obsessive thoughts about being a “sinner” are also a sin.