The Complete Guide to Over-Apologizing, Under-Apologizing, and Re-Apologizing   

The Two Cents Guide to saying, “I’m sorry.” 

IT sometimes feels like we’re apologizing our way through life, trying to make sure that everyone we care about (and everyone we don’t even care that much about) is happy with us at all times. Then again, it might just be that this is the point of view of the two millennials who write this column, and if you’re reading this saying, this is totally not me, well, we’re really, really sorry. Over-apologizers submit the following questions:

I noticed my sister keeps apologizing passive-aggressively about things that didn’t really bother anyone, like, “Sorry, I used your favorite water bottle — I washed it and put it back when I finished,” and, “Sorry, I moved your keys from the front hall to the key hook.” What’s the deal and why won’t she stop?

Her love language is clearly words of affirmation, but she’s veering into some toxic territory there — she’s creating a profile for the other person that frames them as clearly petty and ridiculous for requiring an apology for such silly things. Best thing to do is one-up her toxicity with some of your own. Then, for fun, interject random affirmations that have nothing to do with the apology and see if that fills up her cup. For example, you can reply, “You’re right, I would have NEVER forgiven you for putting my keys away, you absolute monster. And by the way, that color sweater really makes your eyes pop!” Then walk away. Hopefully, you can nip this in the bud, so she won’t grow into an adult who gestures to her spotless house and says, “Sorry for the mess.”

My friend and I worked on our mutual friend’s daughter’s sheva brachos together, and there were a few mishaps. We worked through them, but after the dust settled, my friend has been so defensive and apologetic — and I’m starting to realize that everything that happened was totally her fault. I wasn’t upset before, but I sure am now.

This is a rare opportunity! You’re being reverse-gaslit that something was NOT your mistake, when in reality, you thought it was just as likely your fault as hers. Don’t let yourself be manipulated, and insist right back that the burden is yours to share. Or, better yet, find an unconnected third party and blame the whole thing on them.

My parents are getting older, so we have a Yom Tov rotation for hosting them among the siblings. My sister totally interfered with the order to make her own hosting schedule easier, but at the expense of mine. When I confronted her, she replied, “Sorry that the arrangements I made upset you.” Or as my kids say, “Sorry, not sorry.” Now what?

You know what? We’re sorry that she didn’t apologize with the exact specific script that would have made you feel better. Be a big girl and never forget about this incident, so that next time, you can one-up her before she gets the chance. Remember to send her a text with just a hug emoji when you do.