What happens when your partner turns your children against you?
The term “triangulation” refers to the situation in which one of the parents in a family aligns with the children against the other parent. One parent is deemed “the good parent” and the other one is demonized. The children naturally cleave to the good parent and either avoid or wage war against the other parent.
“I never had a chance. Right from the beginning my husband used to get the kids on his side. He’d do it by giving them anything they wanted — candy privileges — whatever. He made no rules or boundaries with them and when I tried to he refused to support me. In fact he’d mock me! He’d say things in front of the kids like ‘Oh isn’t Mommy strict!’ and everyone would laugh. Eventually I stopped trying. Today my children are totally out of control.”
Why Does This Happen?
Usually triangulating spouses are attempting to correct a situation that they perceive to be damaging to their children. Most often they feel that their spouse is too harsh restrictive or mean to the kids. Feeling their children’s pain they rush to balance things out. “Mommy’s cruel but don’t worry I’m here to make up for it.” “Your father is a brute but don’t worry we’ll just ignore everything he says and do what we want so he won’t have any power over us.” The parent him or herself may feel as victimized as the children increasing a sense of identification with the children.
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