There Is Another Way

Divorce is always painful, and believing Jews will explore every opportunity to save a marriage on the rocks. But when divorce is the only option, does the process have to be protracted, ugly, and inordinately expensive?

Proponents of mediation say there’s a better way. How does mediation give agency and control back to the divorcing spouses? When is it effective, and when is it a poor choice?

What are the benefits, and what are the pitfalls? A closer look at a medium that’s spared many families from the rancor that all too commonly accompanies divorce

When it became clear to Meira that her marriage of six years was over, she knew exactly what not to do.

“I was 11 when my parents divorced, and my family was absolutely decimated,” she says. “My mother’s family was well-connected, and succeeded in getting askanim on their side in a brutal campaign against my father. It was a ‘holy war,’ fought to ‘save the neshamos’ of the children from the influence of my father, who they viewed as not up to their religious standard. When I got married years later, my in-laws had to pay for the entire wedding because my parents were still slugging it out in court and didn’t have a penny. My father’s parents took out a reverse mortgage to help his defense; they were bled so dry that there was no money for my brothers’ bar mitzvahs.”

Was the holy war successful? “Two of my brothers and one sister are not religious,” Meira says. “Worse, two of them are married to non-Jews — my parents will have generations of goyim among their descendants. Many, many relationships were destroyed. And 23 years later, of the eight children in my family, I’m the only one on speaking terms with everyone.”

Years after her parents’ divorce, Meira faced the necessity of ending her own marriage — and she was determined to take a different approach. “We’re not stepping foot into court,” she told her husband. “I will not take that ugly route at any cost.”