Triggered

Examining the source of irrational behavior allows us to regain control

Many people are familiar with the concept of being “triggered.” They’ll say things like “When he made that face at me I got really triggered and I screamed back at him” — meaning “When he made that face he really hit a nerve.” People understand that they have their hotspots their unique sensitivities that came with birth or with childhood experiences. These vulnerabilities often result in lightning-fast negative responses that are generally out of proportion to the actual event.

A “trigger” can be a purposefully hurtful communication or just an innocent comment or action but it provokes an intense irrational-looking reaction in another person. In marriage it’s good to know a spouse’s triggers and avoid them as much as possible.

Let’s take the case of a man who is triggered by the sight of dishes on the counter after 9 p.m. His wife understands his sensitivity having met his parents who live in a dirty cluttered environment. She herself doesn’t get upset when there’s a plate on the counter but she tries to respect her spouse’s sensitivity by doing what she can to make sure the kitchen is clean in the evening. She has also taught her children to respect their father’s feelings and make every effort to tidy up after their snacks. It’s no big deal — everyone cooperates.