Visiting Home

Q:We are a young kollel couple living in Eretz Yisrael. We left our joint hometown just two weeks after our wedding so naturally it was an extremely hectic and busy period of time as we tried to organize everything. Admittedly we spent more time at my house and generally didn’t treat my in-laws with the proper respect and appreciation they deserved. Yes we ate meals there but still the feeling is that we slipped up. Now months later any tension or disagreement between my husband and his parents seems to stem from this. They have said that they don’t bear a grudge however it is quite obvious that unfortunately a considerable amount of hurt still lingers. We are traveling home in a few weeks and would appreciate some advice on how to handle delicate and sensitive feelings and hopefully put this behind us.

A: 

Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker: There are two possible interpretations for what is happening between you and your in-laws. The simple assumption is that this situation is a one-time event that will pass eventually if you make an effort to show that you’re sorry and are careful in the future.

Ironically as much as Jewish parents hope and pray for the marriage of their children the leave-taking is bittersweet. Parents may be particularly sensitive at this time as they nostalgically reflect on their relationship with their child and wonder if the closeness will be maintained. This may explain your in-laws’ hurt and the remedy to these feelings is a lot of love warmth and reassurance from you and your husband.

The second option is more complex. It is based on the assumption that the situation is symptomatic of a relationship issue that has patterns that will tend to repeat themselves in the future.