The summer issue of the online journal Klal Perspectives (on whose editorial board I sit) is now available, and the subject is not a happy one: the rising rate of early divorce in the Orthodox community. Each of our marriage-age children knows someone or has a friend who is already divorced. That would not have been the case a generation ago. Shaya Ostrov, a therapist in the Five Towns, reports being told by one young client, “So what if I get divorced? Most of my friends already are, and they’re waiting
The summer issue of the online journal Klal Perspectives (on whose editorial board I sit) is now available, and the subject is not a happy one: the rising rate of early divorce in the Orthodox community. Each of our marriage-age children knows someone or has a friend who is already divorced. That would not have been the case a generation ago. Shaya Ostrov, a therapist in the Five Towns, reports being told by one young client, “So what if I get divorced? Most of my friends already are, and they’re waiting for me to join them.”
The bulk of the Klal Perspectives issue deals with the period immediately surrounding marriage — from shidduchim to postmarital mentoring. It includes suggestions on how to better assess emotional compatibility on the basis of dates that bear no resemblance to actual marriage and discussions of various forms of premarital training for couples which go beyond the scope of traditional separate classes for the chassan and kallah.
I have no doubt that these suggestions will help prevent some early divorces and enhance marital quality for many young couples. But I’m afraid that they will come too late for many of our youth for whom the challenge of marriage is primarily due to lack of emotional maturity.
Where that maturity is lacking expanded premarital training will neither be welcome nor engaging. Dina Schoonmaker a frequent contributor to Mishpacha’s AdviceLine summed up the challenge with her title: “Marital Preparation Begins at Two.” If for instance children don’t learn self-soothing — techniques for lifting their emotional state even without achieving the object of their immediate desire — at an early age it will be much harder to do so later in life.
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