Why We Can Never Know Who Is Truly Successful
Judging other people’s parenting is a dangerous business. I doubt I’m the only one who has had the experience of observing a child in the neighborhood whose behavior did not find favor in my eyes and jumping to some unfavorable conclusion about the parenting in the home. Even if that criticism never escaped my lips it always came back to haunt me — sometimes within a few days and sometimes not for years — when I discovered that my own children were not necessarily immune to the same behavior. And I knew that could not be explained by any deficiency in my parenting.
Judgment of others based on the behavior of their children is not only risky but almost always wrong. Let’s take two fathers. One a balebos has sons who are considered top bochurim in their respective yeshivos. The other father a talmid chacham has not been so fortunate. None of his boys seem destined for the top ranks of learning. At first glance most of us would conclude that the balebos has been successful with his children and the rav not.
But one who knows nothing more than the outcomes with the children cannot possibly make that judgment. The first father has every right to feel blessed. And he must have demonstrated in word and deed the importance he attaches to Torah learning. But it is far from clear what else he contributed to his son’s successes. Maybe all the boys were very gifted. From the moment they started learning Elu Metzios they heard nothing but positive feedback from their rebbeim. Not surprisingly they enjoyed learning and continued to receive positive reinforcement which in turn fueled their desire to learn more.
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