"Hashem must have given you siyata d’Shmaya while writing the article in the Pesach edition, because it shifted my mind frame"
As a single in shidduchim, I read with great interest the article “Climbing the Wall You Built,” about ways single people may self-sabotage and how to overcome them. It’s a great article, very informative and insightful.
However, I can’t help but point out that a crucial wall and blockage wasn’t mentioned: the one Hashem may have placed. There are many challenges that different people have in life, and shidduchim is sometimes one of them. Just as one can be challenged with infertility, cancer, and financial struggles, so too shidduchim are also often not a manmade challenge but simply a matter of not having met the right one due to that being ratzon Hashem. And while it feels better to attribute people’s singlehood to self-sabotage — it makes us feel more in control — that’s often simply not the reality.
And even when there is room for self-growth and improvement to help bring one to the chuppah, is it helpful to call it “sabotage”? Wouldn’t the message be more effective if delivered with some more compassion, with the recognition that everyone’s trying to do their best, without an undertone of blame?
One anecdote that illustrates this phenomenon: A friend recently mentioned to me that she went to a well-known dating coach for guidance, but instead got a yelling session about how she could date better. The dating coach may be right, my friend told me, but it’s very hard to internalize a condescending and angry message.
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