“How we see ourselves as Jewish women in a world with a tortured and unhappy definition of a woman is something we must hold sacrosanct”
It’s incredible how instinctively shameful suffering from limerence can be; from a very young age, we all know that this is something to be shoved under a plush rug. Since Sarah Chana Radcliffe’s masterful article several weeks ago, I have seen dozens of posts in various frum women’s groups, where those who experienced this asked the very same question as last week’s letter writer: “Did I write this?”
As someone who has suffered bouts of limerence for decades, it is essential to understand why adolescents and adults — and which particular individuals — are at risk for this unhealthy coping mechanism.
Emotional strength or weakness is irrelevant. Hashem created human beings in a way that they require physical and emotional nurturing during their primary years. But there are those whose primary caregiver was unable to raise them in a way that they felt safe, genuinely seen, soothed, and secure. (To understand this further, I’d recommend reading Dr. Dan Siegal’s research on the Four S’s of attachment, or listening to one of Rabbi Shimon Russel’s or Rabbi Y.Y. Jacobson’s many shiurim on this topic.)
Due to a variety of factors, such as physical or emotional illness, or even a simple personality difference between parent and child, some children grow up with a hole in their heart. There’s a huge array of potential reactions: Some will turn to addictions to quiet the metaphysical bleeding; others will numb all of their feelings in order to banish the searing pain and develop a logical approach to life devoid of any emotion; still others will subconsciously seek out a replacement parent figure to fill the gap in their soul and become obsessed with that person.
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