Most of my children are married, and I have plenty of grandchildren, kein ayin hara. My youngest child is a ten-year-old girl. Generally, I love the dynamics of a multigenerational family. But lately there’s an aspect that has been bothering me.
When I host my married children, they inevitably get into discussions about shidduchim, pregnancies, and other topics I feel shouldn’t be discussed in front of my youngest daughter, who is precocious and perceptive. While it’s mostly my daughters-in-law doing the schmoozing, I mentioned something to one of my married daughters, and she told me to relax, saying things are different now than when she was growing up, and that kids today know everything.
Whether or not that’s true, I’m still the mother here, and I prefer my daughter not be exposed to these topics at such a young age. As it is, I’m concerned about how much she’s already heard and how this will impact her in the future.
However, most of the schmoozing is being done my daughters-in-law. I’ve made subtle comments, but they were either missed or ignored.
Is there an appropriate way for me to censor the speech of my daughters-in-law? Is this worth getting direct and blunt when that will probably strain the relationship, or should I let this pass and try to do damage control afterward?
Yitti Bisk has been teaching kallahs and mentoring women for over 30 years.
Wow! As a mother of a multigenerational family, I empathize with your situation. On one hand, this is your “baby,” and you want to protect her. On the other hand, she’s living in a home frequented by adults.
There are two parts to this question. The first is your concern for your astute ten-year-old daughter.
Whether you’re firmly ensconced in a homogenous, super-yeshivish neighborhood or not, your daughter is likely to learn things you want to shield her from, things she may not be able to comprehend in a healthy way at her stage in life. The best place for her to get her information before she’s exposed to it from a random source is… you.
If you don’t already have an open, safe, and loving relationship with your daughter, then now is the time to cultivate one. You want a dynamic in which she feels comfortable asking you questions and you feel comfortable answering them.
