What He Got Wrong [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 956]
Unfortunately, the letter writer who responded to Yisroel Besser’s piece about out-of-town shidduchim lacks a very basic understanding of what it means to exist outside of the Tristate area. Luckily for him, with this attitude he doesn’t have to worry about any out-of-town shidduchim being suggested for his family.
For the understanding of others, please allow me to clear up a few misconceptions:
- It is correct that out of town is not all the same. North America is big and diverse. But every shul, school, chassidus, and social group also has its own subculture. It may sometimes be worth understanding where a prospective shidduch is coming from, and parents can and do make inquiries. The same can be applied to various out-of-town communities. You can find out what a girl’s upbringing was like. We are not aliens, and we don’t live on the moon.
- Don’t blame teachers for “advocating that girls only date BMG bochurim” as they do no such thing. The vast majority of yeshivah bochurim in the US head to Lakewood to learn while pursuing shidduchim. With few exceptions, most out-of-town yeshivos do not cater to bochurim past first or second year beis medrash. Truthfully, even “more modern” and “working” boys gravitate to NY/NJ when they are looking for a shidduch. I can barely fill one hand counting the shomer Shabbos boys of marriageable age presently living in my out-of-town community (and there are many more girls of the same age).
- We already put forth major efforts to make it easier for in-town bochurim to date our daughters. Having the first date, and many subsequent dates, in the bochur’s locale is standard procedure. (By the way, do you know how much it costs for a young woman to get from any commercial airport to Lakewood, NJ without a local parent to pick her up?)
Additionally, almost all weddings of girls from our community take place in convenient (ha, for the in-town side) and practical Lakewood, NJ. No need to fret about traveling out of town for a wedding. We pay plenty for lodging and travel for our side, make all our own arrangements, and solve our own problems without imposing upon in-town mechutanim.
- We did not outlandishly choose to move away from the sensible and default Tristate area. Most of us ended up out of town because of some combination of parnassah plus roots and/or opportunity. We are all in galus. We are here because Hashem put us here. May He bring us all back to our true home soon!
A Realistic Out-of-Towner
Accommodate the Other Side [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 956]
We would like to agree with Yisroel Besser: Doing an out-of-town shidduch was a good choice for us. Baruch Hashem, our daughter-in-law is a quality girl.
