I’M depressed and upset because my sister is ruining her life. She has slowly moved further and further away from our family’s lifestyle and values, to the point where she’s engaged to a young man who is Jewish but not frum. My sister says she doesn’t care because he’s a very good person, but I and the rest of my siblings (we’re all married with kids) know that much more than being a good person is needed to have a good life and a good marriage. I’ve tried to get her to see this, but nothing I say makes a difference. I’m so frustrated and worried for her that I have trouble sleeping at night. However, my siblings aren’t losing sleep and even my parents — who are obviously the most affected by all this — don’t seem to be nearly as upset as I am. I know they’re not happy about it, but it looks like they’re accepting it and moving on. Why can’t I do the same? Is there something wrong with me?

A

Let’s rephrase your question from, “Is there something wrong with me?” to, “How can I help myself deal more comfortably with such an uncomfortable, painful situation? It seems that your main problem is that you’re suffering physically and emotionally from a frightening situation that you can’t control. You want your sister to make better choices, you’ve tried to help her do that, you’ve failed to make an impact, and now you’re stuck watching what seems to be an inevitable train crash. You’re worrying to the point that your sleep and mood are affected.

By the way, your family members may or may not be similarly worried — parents especially may intentionally keep their concerns to themselves so as not to cause further distress within the family.

For some people, worrying about loved ones is a way of life. They show their love by worrying, believing it’s an expression of deep caring. It would be far better for them, however, if they could show their caring through prayer and positivity. Worry affects the body and mind negatively (something you’ve personally experienced), whereas connecting to Hashem and fostering faith has a powerfully healing effect on human beings.

Moreover, there’s a concept that worry is a form of negative prayer as it generates images of things going badly. “What if this bad thing happens or what if that bad thing happens?” To ask these questions, to allow oneself to wonder — or worse, obsess — about the possible disastrous scenarios requires generating those scenarios in the imagination. This then generates real-time sadness and grief of the yet-to-occur problem.