Following a story in which a woman chose to buy a new necklace when she didn’t like her husband’s gift for their son’s bar mitzvah, letter writer Bracha M. would love clarification about whether to have a conversation with her husband about her jewelry preferences. In response, I offer my own Marriage 101:
Sure, you have to be a mensch and have good middos in every relationship. If your husband dresses the little girls with the turtleneck on top of the jumpers instead of under the jumpers, when he visits you in the hospital after you’ve given birth — you say… nothing.
But it is demeaning for the woman to be asked to wear a bauble in public that does not reflect her look or style.
Worse yet, it is more demeaning to assume that the man will not be able to handle the disappointment of having selected a necklace that is not his wife’s taste. It is infantilizing the husband. And it is a form of manipulation on the part of the wife, a passive-aggressive way of being in control. A form of verbal bribery, with a hidden intention.
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